“Having nothing” could be a subjective statement to make. “Nothing” can be relative to what you used to have or what others have instead of you. If you didn’t have some things but lots of another and the things you didn’t have were important, would you have nothing?

Today (15th September 2016) I feel like I have nothing but I’m still managing to type on a computer and post these words. I’m trying hard to put things in perspective. Trying hard to be honest with myself and reason with sound logic. So now I will undress myself. Nothing hidden up sleeves, nothing pushed into the orifices of my body. Just me trying to figure out how to start.

It’s been four days since I’ve spoken. Not a word to anyone, not even myself. I haven’t left the hovel I live in and the curtains have been drawn for days. Though technically I’m a free man I live as if in solitary confinement. The shame at even contemplating about being outside is overwhelming. “How dare he go outside as if he has no care in the world, without a job too. Swanning around the garden like he doesn’t have to bother about paying rent!” That’s what I think and I’m certain my landlords would think the same. So I stay in, at least during the day. At night I can leave without the prospect of bumping into them. Well, I’d leave if I could but no money for car tax, no money for insurance and no money for petrol leaves me a little paralyzed.

My phone network has finally given up on me. No payment means no outgoing calls. An outgoing call that could be so important, a life line towards getting a new job. It’s like laying on a raft, floating out of control down a raging river. I can’t make calls but I have 20+ incoming everyday, each a debt I have to pay. So this life line, this raft that barely continues to float also becomes a sadistic torture device. Each incoming call a nail being hammered from the underside of the raft and deeply piercing my skin.

For years I’ve hated my weight, however cliche I could almost believe that looking at food adds kilos to my already disgusting body. It’s funny how easy it is to put on weight and how slow it is to go. Having not eaten properly for a while now I still seem to be an over-sized pitiful blob. Someone who looks like he indulges on a daily basis. My only clue at knowing I have indeed lost weight is the three notches lower on my belt. How can I still feel so lard ridden!

I’m fortunate that months ago my landlord had given me his wifi key. I wonder if he knows I still have it? It’s the only means of contact to the outside world I have and even then I question whether I should use it. I’ve said it numerous times before, who wants to listen to some pathetic down and out? Friends? Family? What can they do for me? Nothing! No magic wands exist to help my  despair and besides, what friends?! A friend would be someone who thinks of you as a priority over the mundane things in life. I tell you this, nobody has ever thought of me in that way. And to make things clearer, there is a difference between the sincerity of someone being a friend and one who does something out of guilt.

So, do I have nothing? You might be able to empathize and then you might say “Well at least you have your health. You have something”. Picture this, if an able bodied person and quadriplegic were both stuck in a room, no doors, no windows and no lights would the able bodied person be any better off? No. Regardless of health both are affected equally within the environment. My life feels like that room.

Do I have nothing if I have potential for something? I can do many things, some better than others and some worse. My problem is I care too much about the things I do and want to do them well. This seems to create unbearable anxiety and leaves me frozen. With all my good intent I choke myself.

Do I have nothing if I can’t see a future for myself. So many things I’ve wanted in life. A caring and kind woman, a house and maybe children. How can I think so far ahead when imagining  eating tomorrow seems like an unobtainable fantasy.

I have no money.

I can’t pay rent fully.

I can’t afford food.

I can’t afford my medication.

I can’t afford a phone.

I can’t ring anyone for help.

I can’t afford car tax.

I can’t afford insurance.

I can’t afford petrol.

I can’t use my car to find work.

I cant’t afford to clean my clothes.

I live in the middle of nowhere.

I cry everyday at my loss of hope.


I envy those who don’t care about others. Those wretched people with their stone hearts or the too stupid who are ignorant to the world. I wish I could find balance between good deeds and selfishness. To be able to weigh humility, confidence and egotism to create a better me.

I am the fault after all. My circumstances a result of my inadequacies. If I have nothing then I’m to blame.


Dire Straits, Brothers In Arms

Risky move, the original song is an all time classic. I thought I’d try something different.

It’s time to make changes
the self torture must end
There’s no life in the misery
Salvation your friend
So try to be thankful
your living so be free
and the hard raining times will mean
nothing you’ll see

Keep an eye on your future
forgive your mistakes
Your nature is faltering
there is nothing to break
Don’t pressure yourself so much
it is fate that will be
if you hate yourself you will
always have me.

I hear every single word
in every continent
I’ll stand with you always
and protect the innocent

Your’e a man on a journey
pit falls on the road
I have faith in your soul
even with your high load
and though never too far from you
Ill provide you with a key
When the journey has end
Ill be waiting for thee.

Leona Lewis, Run.

The times have changed and I cant see
the kind of man that I should be
I look for answers in the sky
just wasted words
It’s up to me to find myself
and not depend on someone else
should I like who I become
I’ll be amazed.
There’s hope I know
I dig deep in my soul
The love in my well will overflow
turns out i’ll be fine in the end.
I’ll try to grow
Thank the sun for my chance
through the dry and rain enjoy the dance.
Breathe life in the world around me.
I know it’s hard to walk the path
even righteous men can fall
but with our close friends arm in arm
we can stand tall.
There’s hope I know

I’ll try to grow

Leona Lewis: Run (Official Video)


I’m one of two
who fights each day.
To take the bad
from your blood away.
We soldier on
without an ask.
With quite a few
surprising tasks.
Filtering blood
to make it pure
and help control your
blood pressure.
We activate
your vitamin D
as you lay in the sun
and by the sea.
Your blood wouldn’t
be so very red.
If the cells were made
by another instead.
So treat us kind
while doing our job.
Put healthy things
inside your gob!

Route To Happiness

Tonight I looked up at the stars and saw the infinity of space. The worlds from a far circling in forever rotating galaxies. I cried. I cried because of our insignificance. Each one of us an infinitesimal fraction of energy and matter. The sky only has to abide the laws of physics but we also govern ourselves by man made rules. The creation of an idea using money and having wealth. Our nature, wherever you believe it comes from has made our pursuit of happiness from material things. The planets above do not care of its’ size nor about the colours of the stars around; though Saturn has its rings and Jupiter a giant storm the other floating rocks care little. I wonder if the moon tastes as salty as my tear covered face? or can the sun bleed like a cut on a knee? Are the planets able to grieve should their closest star die? How important is it to desire things in the grande scheme of life? I try to tell myself not very but maybe that’s because I feel I have nothing. Lost like a spec of dust in space and no direction or purpose. At least driving toward the next pay cheque gives the illusion of meaning. But what is life if you have only enough to survive? Would the lights from the Milky Way look as stunning if they weren’t able to twist and turn to a dance? It’s been a while but when I looked to the sky I prayed. I prayed for deliverance or guidance. I prayed for the souls of others. Ha! I’m not sure anything can hear through the sobbing and audible wetness. If I thought depriving myself of oxygen would give me a fresh start you wouldn’t be reading the self pity and babbling of a pathetic man, tortured inside by his own doing. Think I’ll keep looking up though, maybe a shooting star can trigger more of a meaning than the next car or fancy TV. Or maybe the sorrow reflecting from my face will provoke the heart of an ever great being to show me the true way to happiness.

Not Good Enough

Why can’t I put on paper
the aching in my chest?
My sense of inadequacy.
If I could have the years
wasted on my boyish pursuits
would I make good use?
Yet I still waste energy
on things that can’t be undone
and fail to live the now.
What a pathetic creature
that sits and self-deprecates
and that no one wishes to hear.
I’ve been tortured myself
by the waffling crap
spewing from that of others.
I wish I could be self-assured
like those who sometimes
take advantage of the weak.
Maybe instead live grey and cold
like an ancient statue
no one has to listen to.
When I think in 15 years
the mighty milestone of 50
would have crept upon me.
I fall to my knees in despair
and I cry and I sob.
My sticking eyes disgusts me.
No enemy could hate me
more than I do already.
It putrefies in my soul.
I wonder how awful I seem
to those with mightier problems.
Do they pity me or loath me?
Maybe I’m being egotistical
and actually no one could care.
I’m just another walking meat sack.
I don’t deserve to be loved.
I don’t deserve to be hated.
I don’t deserve an existence.
Each breath I’ve taken has
wasted air that others could use
and instead prolonged my pitiful life.
When God judges me
I’ll have no argument.
Let’s hope I’ll rot peacefully.

Wrong, It’s Like a Grave

And so.
To liken life to a roller-coaster
would be, in my opinion
highly incorrect.
Life is more like
the making of a grave.
Digging hard against
the course stone.
huge rocks that seem
Sure, eventually
the rock may budge.
But remember, you
are still tunnelling down.
I’d liken the body
to a budget spade.
After all
we are all imperfect.
Our faults
more weakened
by life
You enjoy the smooth
earth as the spade edge
cuts through it. But
you are waiting.
Waiting for the sharp spasm
that shoots through
the handle and blunts
the blade.
If you’re lucky,
a blunt blade is it.
But I fear there are
many rocks.
I fear a blunt blade,
a splintered handle
and I’m left twisted
in the grave I’ve made.

To Beauty

I know words from strangers
however the harmless intent.
Instil sour and miss trust
despite it’s honourable content.
So with my heart I write
but with my head decline.
To whisper her sweet graces
or watch her dance divine.
Oh how her beauty moves
like sun rays through skies,
the ripples over lakes
or when a swan flies.
As she twists and turns
with her make believe ribbon.
The greys turn to colour
to reveal the things hidden.
My mind forgets her name
but imprinted is her face.
I could spend a life time
listing all her good grace.
So accept these kind words
I want nothing in return.
And if we shall speak
it’s your name I wish to learn.
Have fun while you’re dancing
and enjoy your time and space.
I think I might sit back
while other guys take chase.

CANT THINK fof anythng

I don’t remember writing this. I was quite drunk.
I’m walkin home
and singing a song
or mumblings to invisble ear
the shots ive drunk
keeping me warm
mixed with alcohle
of beer.
And though inside Im saddened
that your with snother guy
I can onyl keep looking foeward
and say to you goobye.
lookign to the sky
as i drag my feet along.
tome is getting Late
ive jut hear the clock go bong.
Now rather than being sad
im twisted hard inside
bceause after all this time
i have now reakised.
It has all failed
despite how i tried.
there was never ever a chance]]
yiu would ever be my bride
i wish you both good lukvk
god knwos youll need it
you never bloody trusted
you sodding great tit.
could of been so good
if you olyy stopped and chilld
our heartsfull of joy
and happiness filled-dF


There was a time
feels long ago
where everyday
went with the flow
But that was then
and this is now
I don’t know why
I don’t know how
I am weak
I am sad
I miss the
things I once had
I’d spin the earth
the wrong way round
can only hope
that I am found.
I’m blind drunk
Fall to the ground
My heart pumps
without a sound
Look to the stars
Clouds in the way
My heart screams
and still I lay
I am weak…
If help arrives
after I die
another star
up in the sky.
without a pair
I’m all alone
I’ll fall from god
just like a stone
I am weak…
Our lives are short
with start and end
could stop living
without a friend
try to get up
try to be strong
try to make life
happy and long
I am weak…