Your minds world

A rushed poem for a friend.

There are no walls that trap you. No prison bars that keep you away from the world. Instead you are the cage, a cage you can never escape and always take with you. But are you? Are you not free to imagine? Can you not take yourself to wondrous places or even magical worlds that only exist in colourful minds? We are all rooted somewhere but what shame if we are rooted by the limits of our own creation. Let’s escape from the world where the pressures bring us down. Where people strive for wealth and power. Where the rich bathe in pure water but don’t realise the bath is a cooking pot and where the poor look to the stars and trip on their shoelaces. Let’s go to a world where every breath is like our first and the air is crisp and clean. Where the yellow of the sun meets the blue of ocean to create mists of green. We can run across fields of heather and fall in a heap, gasping for breath taken by the laughs of joy. And when the sun hides from the moon let us talk for hours and wish on the many stars that float across the darkened sky. You can never be trapped because your soul is free to wonder, free to think and free to imagine all possibilities.

Corridors and Memories

Why after all this time do you still walk the corridors of my mind? Corridors that go for miles but however far you’re always in vision. I might not see you but shadows flicking in the light that remind me of how you moved. The way your body swayed when we were together and how your chest quickened at end of passion.  I wander into different rooms and I know you’ve been there. The smell of your perfume taunts me like a hidden spirit. A ghost sometimes seen but always felt. Each room you’ve left an unwanted gift. A memory, some beautiful and others distorted and horrifically ugly. Moments of our lives recorded in my brain that for a moment make me smile unknowingly. For a little while I’m there again. So, content. So, joyful. Completely unknowing it would eventually come to an end. Then I’m knocked to the floor and sucked into the ground where I fall endlessly. It’s my most loving memories that speed my journey to hell. I try to lock doors as I pass but when I wander back they seem to have unlocked again. That spirit working its supernatural magic in my mind. I shall continue to spring clean my corridors, continue to lock the doors and maybe, just maybe this spirit that plagues me will tire.

Tree Brief

A number of us were given a brief to write an inspirational story about trees. Here was my attempt. I may have to remove it, should it get used.

We live in a miraculous world where against the odds life exists. The tree plays a part in this epic show telling the story of beginnings, growth, partnerships and life. To think that a seed could morph into a giant tree is breath taking but it needs the ESSENTIALS to start. Without food and water a seed will never start its journey and will lay dormant. So, a creator of dreams tends to the seed and helps the roots to push deep. With a solid foundation, a tree can GROW, its leaves basking in the sun and its branches reaching for the sky. Working together in SYNERGY and in a nurturing environment the tree gives LIFE to all around. It becomes a home to others, gives us air to breathe and sceneries that light up memories. When you think of a tree, don’t be complacent. They live as we should. Partnerships grown by working together, fuelled by mutual understanding and established on fundamental knowledge.

Forgotten Poem

People in the world,
not many like me.
Who act on compulsion
to call a girl pretty.

But sometimes something
special and unique
can jumpstart hearts
and shine on the bleak.

so……..

How do I explain
my good intent?
When sceptism creeps
and intentions are bent.

A few meaningful words
to describe a view.
A picture of heaven.
A picture of you.

so……..

Think ill if you wish.
Think me a strange guy.
I accept I’m different
that I can’t deny.

My heart is where
all hearts should be.
The edge of my sleeve
born wild and free.

so……..

I end my words
that hope to lay bare.
I like your blue eyes.
I like your cool hair!

I’ll remember the day
I came across Lauren.
Her beautiful face
will not be forgotten.

Last Words

Firstly it’s worth saying, I don’t plan on ending my life. This is just a post with a few things I’d like to say should anything untoward happens. You see strangers, friends and celebrities on the news dying everyday. Everyday passes with the thought “These things don’t happen to me”…… well they could and one day they will. The problem tends to be that nobody knows the when.

So I’ll start with a sorry. I’m sorry for everything I’ve ever done to anyone, even if I think you deserved it. There are so many mistakes I’ve made but I’m no different from anyone else. To expect leniency from others when you don’t give it is very hypocritical. I’ve tried to be understanding of others when living my life but I’m not perfect.

I’m sorry to the people I’ve had relationships with. The fact is you could all do better than me. Be treated better, respected better, loved better. If I had to do it again I wouldn’t know how to play it. I loved you or cared a great deal at least and this is why I struggle. Knowing how it ends would I want you to waste your time with me? Did I prevent you from meeting the guy of your dreams? If we never met would it be better for us all. Saving us from the heart aches that left twisted minds and tear riddled faces. I think often about you all but if I did die I’d want you to know. I adored you though sometimes I didn’t show it. I cared for you though I didn’t often say it. I would have died for you though sometimes I may have killed your spirit.

I’m sorry to friends and family. Those who wanted to share time with me but for whatever reason I didn’t. There are no excuses. Nothing I can say in hope of redemption. I can only pray you don’t think badly of me.

With all these sorry’s going on I also want to say how absolutely disgusted I am with the world. The scum who fight, rape, con and manipulate. Those who treat people, animals and the world with such cruelty. I mean this with sincerity…….. Burn in Hell! I hope your corpse burns brighter and hotter than the Sun. People who encourage the persecution of others and those in power who turn a blind eye, what defence do you have? You’re worth less than a runny shit!

I hate the self righteous. The hypocrites that tell you everyday how to live your lives when there own is so messy. Fuck Off!! Who do you think you are? I hate society in generally to some extent. The masses of “Normal” people that believe they know the decorum of life. The things that people should or should not say. The jokes said without malicious intent that are unacceptable. The similar jokes said by the same people that sudden become OK to say. Fuck you too!

My biggest gripe about people. To expect to be treated with respect and dignity and then shit on your neighbour. Sometimes people are good. Sometimes people are bad. But if we all try to be understanding of each other or be tolerant of the bad things that people do to us then eventually we will live in a better world. Take it on the chin the next time someone is a dick to you. Don’t be spiteful or go after revenge.

I hate myself. There are many reasons but one you can guess. Read the last two paragraphs. I sound a little self righteous don’t I.

I could go on for ages about the things I’d like people to know If I died. The chances are I lost you after one or two paragraphs. If you’re still reading then good for you. BUT why are you still reading? Let’s say I died unexpectedly. I couldn’t see it coming or maybe I did but it was self induced and I clearly wasn’t thinking straight. Go live your life.

Right now, go for a walk. Enjoy the Sun or the rain. Feel the heat or the blistering cold. Feel!! Ask someone you like out for a drink or remind someone you love how you feel.

This is how you know you alive.

I urge those who are strong of mind to take what I say on board. Personally and frustratingly I can’t. I’ve been broken way before I died. I’m one of a growing minority who believe that being dead is better for the world, better for you and easier for us. Don’t be sad if I’m gone. I probably prefer it this way.

 

The Joy of Drink

A terrible poem to explain my recent weekend.

Days of grinding torture
that come to blissful end.
My wet and blurry eyes
staring down a U-bend.

The beginning of the night
started unawares.
The following day I’m sleeping
half way up the rigid stairs.

Not the greatest look
to be greeted at the door.
The estate agent bewildered
watching me crawl along the floor.

That horrible day has passed
and now I feel…… OK.
I’m sitting in a Starbucks
watching lives fly away.

I order the ultimate roll
the Sambucca fighting tool.
The first thing I’ve eaten
since drinking like a fool.

A choir of singing angels
start chorus in the shop.
A pretty worker puts my roll
up on the table top.

Her brownish, reddish eyes
make my weekend float away.
My torturers memories
seem to be put at bay.

So if you’ve been hitting hard
the weekends choice of drink.
Come sit and eat at Starbucks
while having a little think.

Disturbed, The Sound of Silence

Not based on the original but the Disturbed version

When you realise what you mean
Revealed to you the perfect scene
A kiss beneath the dim moonlight
The longest hug with arms so tight
I want and hope we’ll continue making dreams
Everyday because I love you only.

To try explain the way I feel
It’s your heart I try to steal
You hear the words but block meaning
And in turn you halt that loving feeling

I represent stars
From the worlds that are never seen
Explosions been
Although I love you only

The way you move just touches me
Emotional why can’t you see
I’d save you from burning buildings
Give my life to see you healing

I would stop the Earth
To have you freeze in time
If you were mine
Because I love you only

There is a pain you feel inside
a pain you find hard to hide
Let me help you start the mending
Use the love that I am sending
Don’t deny, please open up to me
Together we can love each only.

Ignore words that people say
They’ve no right so don’t obey.
My intentions are kind and clear
I love you so don’t live in fear

I once had said
The words that I’m saying
keep falling from your listening ears
Fills me with tears
All because I love you only

Disturbed: The Sound of Silence (Official Video)

Nothing

“Having nothing” could be a subjective statement to make. “Nothing” can be relative to what you used to have or what others have instead of you. If you didn’t have some things but lots of another and the things you didn’t have were important, would you have nothing?

Today (15th September 2016) I feel like I have nothing but I’m still managing to type on a computer and post these words. I’m trying hard to put things in perspective. Trying hard to be honest with myself and reason with sound logic. So now I will undress myself. Nothing hidden up sleeves, nothing pushed into the orifices of my body. Just me trying to figure out how to start.

It’s been four days since I’ve spoken. Not a word to anyone, not even myself. I haven’t left the hovel I live in and the curtains have been drawn for days. Though technically I’m a free man I live as if in solitary confinement. The shame at even contemplating about being outside is overwhelming. “How dare he go outside as if he has no care in the world, without a job too. Swanning around the garden like he doesn’t have to bother about paying rent!” That’s what I think and I’m certain my landlords would think the same. So I stay in, at least during the day. At night I can leave without the prospect of bumping into them. Well, I’d leave if I could but no money for car tax, no money for insurance and no money for petrol leaves me a little paralyzed.

My phone network has finally given up on me. No payment means no outgoing calls. An outgoing call that could be so important, a life line towards getting a new job. It’s like laying on a raft, floating out of control down a raging river. I can’t make calls but I have 20+ incoming everyday, each a debt I have to pay. So this life line, this raft that barely continues to float also becomes a sadistic torture device. Each incoming call a nail being hammered from the underside of the raft and deeply piercing my skin.

For years I’ve hated my weight, however cliche I could almost believe that looking at food adds kilos to my already disgusting body. It’s funny how easy it is to put on weight and how slow it is to go. Having not eaten properly for a while now I still seem to be an over-sized pitiful blob. Someone who looks like he indulges on a daily basis. My only clue at knowing I have indeed lost weight is the three notches lower on my belt. How can I still feel so lard ridden!

I’m fortunate that months ago my landlord had given me his wifi key. I wonder if he knows I still have it? It’s the only means of contact to the outside world I have and even then I question whether I should use it. I’ve said it numerous times before, who wants to listen to some pathetic down and out? Friends? Family? What can they do for me? Nothing! No magic wands exist to help my  despair and besides, what friends?! A friend would be someone who thinks of you as a priority over the mundane things in life. I tell you this, nobody has ever thought of me in that way. And to make things clearer, there is a difference between the sincerity of someone being a friend and one who does something out of guilt.

So, do I have nothing? You might be able to empathize and then you might say “Well at least you have your health. You have something”. Picture this, if an able bodied person and quadriplegic were both stuck in a room, no doors, no windows and no lights would the able bodied person be any better off? No. Regardless of health both are affected equally within the environment. My life feels like that room.

Do I have nothing if I have potential for something? I can do many things, some better than others and some worse. My problem is I care too much about the things I do and want to do them well. This seems to create unbearable anxiety and leaves me frozen. With all my good intent I choke myself.

Do I have nothing if I can’t see a future for myself. So many things I’ve wanted in life. A caring and kind woman, a house and maybe children. How can I think so far ahead when imagining  eating tomorrow seems like an unobtainable fantasy.

I have no money.

I can’t pay rent fully.

I can’t afford food.

I can’t afford my medication.

I can’t afford a phone.

I can’t ring anyone for help.

I can’t afford car tax.

I can’t afford insurance.

I can’t afford petrol.

I can’t use my car to find work.

I cant’t afford to clean my clothes.

I live in the middle of nowhere.

I cry everyday at my loss of hope.

 

I envy those who don’t care about others. Those wretched people with their stone hearts or the too stupid who are ignorant to the world. I wish I could find balance between good deeds and selfishness. To be able to weigh humility, confidence and egotism to create a better me.

I am the fault after all. My circumstances a result of my inadequacies. If I have nothing then I’m to blame.

Dire Straits, Brothers In Arms

Risky move, the original song is an all time classic. I thought I’d try something different.

It’s time to make changes
the self torture must end
There’s no life in the misery
Salvation your friend
So try to be thankful
your living so be free
and the hard raining times will mean
nothing you’ll see

Keep an eye on your future
forgive your mistakes
Your nature is faltering
there is nothing to break
Don’t pressure yourself so much
it is fate that will be
if you hate yourself you will
always have me.

I hear every single word
in every continent
I’ll stand with you always
and protect the innocent

Your’e a man on a journey
pit falls on the road
I have faith in your soul
even with your high load
and though never too far from you
Ill provide you with a key
When the journey has end
Ill be waiting for thee.

Leona Lewis, Run.

The times have changed and I cant see
the kind of man that I should be
I look for answers in the sky
just wasted words
It’s up to me to find myself
and not depend on someone else
should I like who I become
I’ll be amazed.
There’s hope I know
I dig deep in my soul
The love in my well will overflow
turns out i’ll be fine in the end.
I’ll try to grow
Thank the sun for my chance
through the dry and rain enjoy the dance.
Breathe life in the world around me.
I know it’s hard to walk the path
even righteous men can fall
but with our close friends arm in arm
we can stand tall.
There’s hope I know

I’ll try to grow

Leona Lewis: Run (Official Video)