It’s infinitely unlikely I can portray in word,
the everyday occurrences that make my judgement blurred.
I cannot think of when it start nor see the end in sight;
and through each passing hour, head and heart feel tight.
Read further if you wish but forgive my English use,
the words and sentence of each line might seem random and obtuse.
Always I remember from even the earliest time
the want and need to do well and surely I’ll be fine.
With efforts unrewarded, alas! I accomplish few
I persist with my trying but Mr Average grew.
Accepting one is useless, still doing none the less
might seem contradictory or ridiculous at best.
Further memories of trying to break my childhood nose
by banging my face against the bed post I had chose.
I had learnt when young, that bleeding noses mean
You must not be feeling well and so cannot be seen.
I did not cope well, with the gut wrenching I felt
and when walking to school, would have preferred the belt.
The saddest part of all, despite these dreadful dives
is now knowing these, are the best time of your lives.
They say with age comes wisdom, so every year that goes
your learning should defend you against the rocky lows.
My experience differs, from this I have to say
the more that time passes I’m prevented feeling gay.
The world isn’t nasty, it’s the bastards on it
Wankers, fuckers and assholes that cause me loads of shit.
I don’t mean subject specific as in work, family or friend
its everything in the middle of sunrise start to end.
With all my human being, I believe in being good
and cannot comprehend when others aren’t and should.
I don’t know why or what is making me feel down
but sometimes I feel 9 again bloody nosed in my gown.
The things I think about now might be something to do
with removing myself from this world that I know is true.
However not completely, I do not want to die
I would like to escape so self-harm I try.